Back from holiday

::sigh:: I have no definition for myself and that bothers me. I really want something that I'm so talented at that people are all like "Whoa, she's ____ (insert tag here)". Freshman year I was obsessed with trying to be smart. I studied really hard and everytime one of the people in my group of friends would get an "A" and act like it was nothing special I sank down in my chair. The people in the group were always so poetic and percise with their word choice. You didn't hear them saying "like" or "um". It was like all of their words were though out yet they weren't. They came out as if it was normal to talk with such clairty. I admire them for that. I lagged behind all of them and, I SWARE, was a little groupie. Sure there were times that I felt less important then them but hey, who cares. I could learn something from them. Sophmore year came along. I then wanted to be smart and supper artistic. I remember how when I told a friend that I was cosidered being a chief she jumped up and was like "Yeah, you'd be so great at that!!" then I casually mentioned that I'd prefer to be a graphic artist. Her quick response was "Oh. You'd probably make more money as a chief." Arg. ARG TO THAT PERSON, aww I'm just saying that because it's not what I like to hear. I want support but reality is that if you suck, someone is going to have to tell you before you make an arse of yourself.

I got a "B" in portfolio again

I guess that shouldn't/wouldn't bother me so much if it wasn't for the comments the teacher made (not just on that day but the entire semester). I don't want to give up. I am serious about what I'm doing in there (though some may doubt) but just entering that class hurts.

You know the feeling that you get when you enter a room filled with rocket scientists and you know science but not to the extent that they know? I get that feeling all the time. When I hang around certain 'smart' friends, when I enter portfolio, going into journalism class, ect. It's not like this feeling should bother me because I've mostly been getting it all my life, so I'm pretty used to it but it's now a ton of rocks on top of my chest causing me to work harder just to breathe. It sucks.

It used to be that I could see myself in the future going to college, getting married, doing fun and interesting things but now all I see is a blur and that uncertainity is not a nice feeling.

Anyway I know I've got to have some kind of REAL talent that'll take me somewhere and in time God will show it to me... right? I just have to keep waiting.

Geeze if that wasn't a depressing post...I'd better end this on a happy note.

I've got this easter button that's really cute. It has a picture of a candy bunny whose ear is bitten off. The caption says "This kind of senseless violence must be stopped!". I love it so much!!!